he who loves

 
The Lord, He knows just what I need. There I stood, here I stand, guns ‘a blazin’, running full force toward Bama Land while, with fingers taut, He reigns me in… not ready for his little girl to leave quite yet. I push & pull, meander and manipulate, tugging, treading, straining toward the voices I hear at the other end of the phone. It seems as if I’m missing everything I love, the world in my prayers, His movement in the city…where I want to be. I feel it’s killing me, breaking me down. I feel discouraged, unmotivated, tired & I wonder what in the world He’s thinking. But the Lord, He knows just what I need. 

 In moments of panic it seems I might drown in debt; the loans, the future, my bills…my desires. The noose pulls tighter tighter with each clunk of my engine…. I can’t afford a new car. Lord just 50 thousand more. Please….please. 

& seventy percent seems high for a moment til for 3 weeks no budging & prospects dissolving. I wrestle with how in the world I’m going to pull this off. But this Lord of mine, He knows just what I need. 

I’m beginning to see, after fighting & faking, that a time of great peace has rested on me. In silence & waiting, in rest & preparing, my father is raining blessing in storm. I stand soaking wet in the flood I never asked for, just now starting to realize that I’m wading in grace. 

How sweet is the quiet as I’m softened each day, humbled & hopeful that He lingers near. When my nails keep on scratching down the doors of your Kingdom, pleading you’d hear me & answer my prayer, there you sit perched in all Glory & wisdom, knowing dough rises if you just give it time. Beyond the cross gruesome & rising to life, why do you still give to this self-consumed girl? Obsessed with myself, my plans, & my comfort, why keep on pressing in & enveloping flesh?

I have no choice but to lift my arms high. I submit, I submit, to the wind moving in me. I know not eloquent words but bask in your presence peaceful around me.... because you here & you are all that I know to be good.  I journal in jumbled, mismatched conclusions but I think what it is that I’m trying to say is….. Lord thank you for always knowing what I need.